


Identity theft isn’t a joke, Bill!

by sophisnotonfire



Category: IT (2017), The Office (US)
Genre: Denbrough more like DenBRO, F/M, IT AU, I’m going to McKillMyself, M/M, Memes, Reddie, Stenbrough, The Office AU, Wyatt Olaf, shitpost
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-18
Updated: 2018-10-22
Packaged: 2019-08-03 19:54:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,892
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16332428
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sophisnotonfire/pseuds/sophisnotonfire
Summary: AU of It where they’re the characters from the Office. Pennywise is an alcoholic, Stanley is a cat mom and Richie is a failure of a boss. The others just silently plan their funerals in the background.





	1. Introduction

**Author's Note:**

> Michael - Richie  
> Holly/Jan - Eddie  
> Dwight - Bill  
> Angela - Stanley  
> Pam - Bev  
> Jim - Ben  
> Oscar - Mike  
> Meredith/Creed/Stanley/A Mess - Pennywise for some reason  
> Karen - Henry

Richie leaned back in his chair nonchalantly. “All right, Stanley, your quarterlies look very good. How is the library thing going?”

Stanley stared blankly at his boss. “I told you I couldn’t close it, so...”

Richie chuckled, slipping into one of his weird voices. “So you’ve come to the master for guidance, young grasshopper?” 

“Actually, you called me in h-”

“Very well!” Richie cut him off excitedly. “Let me show you how it’s done!” He dialed the number for HR, waiting for it to ring. “Hello! My name is Richie Tozier, I’m the regional manager of Derry paper company- yes, Eddie, I know it’s you! I’m trying to show Stanley how it’s done! ...But I want to hear you adorable v- yeah, he hung up.” Richie sighed defeatedly. 

Stanley stared ahead awkwardly. “So like... can I go, or..?”

[insert theme song here]

Richie walked into the office excitedly, talking to an interviewee who was looking for the open job position. “This is our receptionist, Bev! Bev has been with us forever, right?” He turned to the bored-looking girl. 

She shrugged. “Oh, I don’t know!”

Richie elbowed the interviewee uncomfortably. “You think she’s cute now, you shoulda seen her a few years ago!”

Beverly looked up at him and laughed. “Honestly, Richie, you could say the same about yourself.”

The interviewee looked absolutely horrified when Richie started laughing his ass off and high-fived Beverly. “Good one! This girl, gotta tell ya man, never a dull moment! Alright next, we have... come on, Beverly, drumroll please!”

She enthusiastically drummed her fingers on her desk, happy to be doing anything but work. “Ta-da! Benny boy and Bill... Bill Skadill in saaaales!” Richie did his best impression of a car salesman, guiding the poor and yet unidentified male behind him. “Next up on the chopping block, we have my boys Mike and Stanley in accounting! And last but not least, some random old dude who sits in the corner and I’m not even sure if he’s actually on payroll!”

An old man with fluffy orange and balding hair looked up at Richie and the other nervous man boredly. “Do you want penis enlargement pills?” He asked, taking a long sip from a bottle of vodka that was sitting on his desk in the open. 

“U-um, excuse me?” The nameless man asked nervously. 

“Penis enlightenment pills?!” The old man asked slightly louder, earning weird looks from the others. 

The poor interviewee turned to Richie exhaustedly. “Yeah, I don’t think this place is for me.”

Richie laughed. “Yeah, well good! We don’t want quitters!”

“Richie we can’t say that. It’s not good for business.” Mike groaned. “I’m pretty sure this will get us in trouble with HR-” The boss’s eyes lit up at the mention of pissing off his superiors. 

“Say no more, Bichael!” He turned to the poor man (who was trying to slowly back out the door) and shouted: “BEGONE THOOOOOOT!” And chased the dude out the door. 

Ben sighed. “He’s going to get a mouthful from Eddie about this...”

“Mouthful of dick.” Stanley said stone-faced. Beverly high-fived him.

[Cut to Richie, sitting in Eddie’s office.]

“Mr. Kaspbrak! How pleasant to see you here, good sir!” Richie greeted his superior cheerfully. 

Eddie rolled his eyes. “Oh Jesus Christ,” he mumbled, shoving two pills into his mouth and swallowing them dry. “Richie, you scared away three potential employees, called me a total of eighty six times over the course of this week, and haven’t replied to a single fax. Your sales are bombing! What’s going on?!”

The curly-haired boy chuckled, fiddling with the side of his glasses. “Well, the good news is, I know exactly why I’m not getting faxes!”

Eddie narrowed his eyes. “Yes?”

“Well, Eds, it’s interesting-”

“If you call me that again, I’m firing you.”

“...Right. Anyway...”

[flashbaaaaaaack]

“Any messages, Bev?” Richie asked boredly, spitting more spitballs into Stanley’s hair. 

“Yeah, just a fax from Eddie.”

Richie groaned. “From Eddie? Bev, how many times have I told you, we have a special filing cabinet for things from Eddie.”

She raised an eyebrow as Richie stood up, grabbed the fax from her hand, and promptly dumping it in the trash before returning to his spitball game. “It’s called the garbage can.”

[flashback over]

Eddie stared at the ceiling. “Why do you still have your job?”

Richie laughed nervously. “Are you asking me or God?”

“Both.”

There was a certain seriousness laced into his sarcastic tone, which would have made any normal person stop talking. But Richie? Oh, not Richie. 

“Well I know you only keep me around for my stunning good looks.” He winked at Eddie. 

Eddie ignored him. “Your branch, Rich. We need to transfer some new people to your branch, or we’re-”

“Trashmouth Tozier!” A loud voice bellowed from the doorway. Eddie’s entire face went pale and Richie stood up excitedly. “Hey, my boy! What’s up, Broski?!” Mike Wheeler, Eddie’s boss and Richie’s best friend, did a handshake, causing Eddie to slam his face into his desk. 

“Kill me. Please.”

Eddie’s mumbling caught the attention of Mike, who smiled. “Eds, what’s goin gets on here?”

Eddie cringed at the nickname. Richie and Mike both called him that. They were so alike, it was spooky. “We were just talking about how if the Derry branch doesn’t get more employees we’re going to have to shut it down.”

Mike’s eyes lit up. “Oh, perfect! Eddie, why don’t you go down there?! I’m sure Richie here could use the help of an HR rep!”

Both of the men froze at the thought of having to work with the other. Eddie started sweating nervously. “M-Mr. Wheeler, are you sure-”

“Of course!” He cut Eddie off. “What could possibly go wrong?”

WHAT. COULD. POSSIBLY. GO. WRONG??

[back at the Derry branch, Eddie, Bev and Richie all crowded into Richie’s office.]

“All right, let’s get this over with,” Eddie groaned. “Was there anything you wanted to add to the agenda, Tozier?”

Richie giggled and did a Yoda impression. “Me no get an agenda.”

Eddie rolled his eyes. “Oh, right. The garbage can filing cabinet.” Richie and Bev both started laughing uncontrollably. Eddie’s face heated up in embarrassment. “You guys both think this is funny? Seriously? My god, this branch is full of twelve-year-olds.”

[outside Richie’s office]

A younger kid, looking a good five or six years younger than everyone else’s age entered the room. Bill was the first to look up, and he smiled. “H-h-Hey, Georgie! Y-you start as a t-t-temp today, r-right?”

The shorter boy, Georgie, beamed. “Billy! Yeah!”

Stanley looked up from his computer. “G-money, what’s poppin’?”

Bill rolled his eyes. “S-Stanley, don’t. P-please.”

“Not much S-dawg, what’s up wit’ you?”

“GEORGIE?! STANLEY W-WHAT THE F-FUCK?!”

“Language!”

“SHUT UP MIKE!”

“SHUT UP MIKE!”

***

Bill looked up at Ben as Ben started pushing files off his desk. “W-w-What are you d-doing?”

Ben frowned. “Just clearing my desk. I can’t concentrate.”

“I-It’s not o-on your desk.”

“It's overlapping. It's all coming over the edge. One word, two syllables: demarcation.”

Bill rolled his eyes as Ben started using unsharpened pencils to build a fence between their desks.

“Y-You can’t do that.” Bill said boredly.

“Why not?”

“Safety violation. I could fall and pierce an organ.”

Ben shook his head slowly. “God, I hope that happens to me.”

***

“Attention party people!” Richie yelled, standing on two chairs and banging pots together. “We have a meeting in the conference room, ASAP!”

Bill coughed loudly. “I-I'm assistant regional manager, I-I should have known about this first, R-R-Richie.”

Richie rolled his eyes. “Assistant to the regional manager.” Bev raised her hand. “Ah, yes, Beverly! Dear sweet Beverly! What’s your question?”

“In the meeting in your office, Eddie said it might be our branch that gets the axe. Is that true?”

“Bev? Maybe you should stick to the ongoing confidentiality agreement of meetings from now on.” Richie stared at her. She shrugged.

“But is it true, Richard?” Mike asked worriedly. 

“First of all: Richie! My name is Richie! Second, of course that’s not true! Why would Eddie ever axe our branch?!”

“Because he hates you.” The entire room said in unison. 

“You called?” Eddie asked, poking his head in the conference room door. 

Richie blinked. “Actually, we didn’t. Please go, this is a Derry branch-only meeting.” 

Eddie shrugged. “Well, now I’m officially part of the Derry branch, so...” he walked into the room and sat down next to Beverly. Richie, defeatedly, looked up and waved his hand. 

“Fine. Anyway, we aren’t getting axed, because now we have Eddie and Georgie with us. And actually there’s also someone else from the same program as Georgie that’s coming over to be Eddie’s assistant, so pretty soon we’ll be packed. Any other questions?” Several hands went up. “No? Great! Meeting dismissed!”


	2. Chapter Two - It’s Free Real Estate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Richie is given way too much responsibility, Eddie is suicidal, and Beverly loves her not-job. Everyone else exists. Except for maybe Pennywise... Still not sure what his deal is.

Richie walked over to reception energetically. “Bevvie! Bev-er-ly!” He sings excitedly, drumming his fingers on her desk. Bev looks up from playing Fortnite on her phone and smiles. 

“This has better be important, because I’m about to get my eightieth Victory Royale in a row.”

“Charming as always! But here’s the deal-io Bevveroni... The most sacred thing I do is care and provide for my workers, y’know, my family. I give them money. I give them food. Not directly, but through the money. I heal them. Today, I am in charge of picking a great new health care plan. Right? That's what this is all about. Does that make me your doctor?”

“No.”

“Well, in a way, y-”

“No. It does not.”

Richie rolled his eyes as Bev went back to her game. “Kids these days...” he mumbled, walking back to his office.

“We’re the same age, Rich!”

“IT’S RICHIE, BEV! MY NAME IS RICHIE!”

[insert theme song here]

(Eddie and Richie are in Richie’s office, talking about Richie’s task.)

“So, which plan have you decided on?” Eddie asked exasperatedly, praying that Richie would be simple just this once and he could go back to doing his job. 

But oh, of fucking course not.

“Only the best for my family! The Gold Plan, which, I’m not sure why I wouldn’t pick that one. Was this some sort of test of intelligence?” Richie scoffed, putting his feet up on the desk. “Because if it is, frankly, I’m insulted.”

Eddie’s eyebrows furrowed. “What? No, there was no test. Richie, the Gold Plan is way out of the company’s budget range. By spending that kind of money on insurance alone, you’d be driving this branch into the ground.”

“Well why do you care so much? You never cared before.”

“Because now I’m in this branch!” Eddie hissed through gritted teeth. “If it goes down, so do I!”

Richie smiled. “That’s the spirit! All for one and one for all!”

The HR rep just blankly stared ahead at Richie. “You’re going to have to make a call you don’t want to make, Rich. You can’t just-”

“Richie! Seriously, what the fuck is so hard for people to understand about that?!” He said frustratedly, neither boy acknowledging Richie’s slip-up, much to his own surprise.

“It’s alright Richie. All of us have to tell our employees bad things at one point or another.” Eddie shrugged calmly. 

“When have you ever done that?”

“I’m doing it to you right now.”

*cut to Ben sitting in Richie’s office, boredly*

“I’m facing a tough decision here, Ben,” Richie started, transitioning to a baby voice. “But I am a vewwy busy boy, and I have to get wowk done! So, I’m allowing you to make the tough call of choosing an insurance plan and announcing it to your co-workers!” 

Ben nodded, stone-faced. “That is a great offer, thank you. I really think I should be concentrating on my actual work though. You know. Sales.”

“Reawwy?”

“Uh, yeah. It just isn’t really my thing. But hey, you know who’s perfect for this?”

“Who?”

***

“R-Richie, I’m not doing your job.” Bill sighed. 

“Pwease? OwO”

“F-f-first, how did y-you manage to s-s-say that out l-loud? S-Second, a-a-actually to hell with you. Th-Third, n-no.”

“Fine. Gold Plan it is, I guess.”

“...R-R-Richie, th-the branch w-would go bankrupt.”

“Yeah, Eddie already told me that. I think he told you to say that. This is definitely a test, I was right all along!” Richie applauded himself. 

Bill groaned, taking the files off Richie’s desk. “F-Fine, I’ll f-f-fucking do i-it.”

***

Stanley looked at Bill woefully as Bill flipped through the pages of insurance plans in pure rage. “R-Right now St-Stanley, this i-i-i-is just a j-job. If, if I advance a-any higher in this c-company then this w-w-would be m-my career. And u-uh, well, if this were m-my career, I'd h-h-have to throw myself in front of a train.” He groaned, slamming his head down into the book. 

Stanley shrugged. “It’s not all bad. Richie’s too stupid to be a bad boss, Eddie balances him out nicely, we all get paid fairly, and when this branch inevitably crashes within the next few years, it probably won’t be hard to get a better job. Well, for you, I mean. You’re really smart. I don’t know about anyone else here.”

Bill smiled into the book, which his head was still smashed into. “Y-you really think?”

Stanley shrugged. “Sure. It definitely runs in the family, too. G-Money is-”

“I-I’m going to st-stop you r-r-right there.”

“Fair enough.” Stanley shrugged with a sigh. “That all seems so far off, though...”

They both stayed silent for a while, and Bill eventually picked his head up from the book and began to page through it, while Stanley gradually let himself go back to playing Fortnite with Bev.

But the two never stopped thinking about the unsaid.

***

Bill slid a paper onto the desk of all his co-workers, earning a few looks, until eventually Ben flipped his over. “Is this the health insurance plan?!” He shrieked, nearly drooping the paper. 

Bill shrugged. “Yeah. All Richie’s idea. Not mine at all.”

The plan was fairly average and not cheap-o, which was exactly why everyone was surprised. Because before they literally had almost no health insurance. Despite it not being the Gold Plan, Bill knew that Eddie still wouldn’t be happy about it, but he honestly couldn’t have given less of a fuck. 

Bev got a call and picked it up, boredly. “Derry Paper, this is Bev. ...Oh, Richie, hi.”

“How’s Eddie? Is he mad? Is he strangling Bill?”

Beverly frowned. “I don’t know, I haven’t seen Eddie. Why don’t you look for yourself?”

“Oh, nope. Can’t. I would, but I can’t. I’m totally swamped. I have work up to my ears I'm busy, busy, busy. Can't step away.” Richie said, playing with a fidget spinner and renting an episode of Brooklyn Nine-Nine while sitting in his spinny chair in a pink fuzzy robe. “But tell me if you see ‘im, alrighty, dollface?”

She nodded. “Will-do. Have fun with your work.”

“Thank you. I will not.”

***  
(cut to Mike and Richie in his office)

“Richie, I really need to talk you you about this health care plan.” Mike pleaded. Richie waved his hand dismissively, allowing Mike to continue. “It’s, uh... well, I noticed one slight detail that makes things a bit on the bad side, which is, uh... this plan only works if you already have insurance. Which nobody does. Because that’s what this plan is supposed to be for.”

Richie frowned. “Which means what, exactly?”

“It means that the insurance plan is that... we have to get our own.”

“The company will pay for at least some of it, right?”

“No. Did you read the plan at all?”

“No, that was Bill’s j-er, I mean, I was a little busy for that. But if it’s so bad, why is nobody complaining?”

“Because the plan is called the ‘All-Expenses Plan,’ which actually means that we have to pay all the expenses, but they think it means ‘All-Expenses-Paid Plan’, which it does not.”

Richie groaned. “Thanks Mike, I’ll look into it. BILLIAM, GET YOUR ASS IN HERE!” Mike exited the room calmly and Bill tiredly stumbled in after him. “Bill, what the hell?! You abolished the insurance plan?!”

The lanky boy blinked in confusion. “I did?”

“Yes! Did you even read the folder I gave you?!”

“U-Uh... n-no. I-I was distracted, s-s-sorry.”

“Distracted?! By what?”

“My actual job.”

“Right, bullishit. It was Stanley, right?”

Bill hesitated before mumbling. “Touché. So what do you want to do about the plan?”

Richie rolled his eyes. “Well obviously, pick a different-”

“Richie!” Eddie said loudly, sticking his head into the small office. Richie jumped in terror, immediately pointing at Bill. “I’m so proud of you!” Eddie continued, “You made such a bold decision! I never would have had the courage to do that! Keep it up, Tozier!” He cheered before clicking the door shut and walking away. 

Richie’s jaw dropped to the floor and he and Bill slowly looked at each other. “Am I on acid, or did Eddie just smile at me and call me bold?”

“...I think we’re both tripping balls.”

***

“RICHIE!” Mike yelled again. “Why aren’t you fixing this?!”

“What’s to fix?” Richie murmured, a smile still occupying his face. “I think that it was a responsible, dare I say bold choice to cut the insurance plan for the better of the company.”

“The plan is nonexistent, Richie!”

“Yeah? Well, our branch would be nonexistent if we hadn’t made the right choice.”

“This isn’t fair!”

Richie sighed. “Look. If it makes things any better, I have a surprise for everyone. I wasn’t going to tell you guys, but I don’t like it when my work family’s upset.”

Mike, too tired to object, just shook his head in disappointment. Not with Richie, though. Disappointment with Eddie. That stone-cold motherfucker was playing fragile Richie like a fiddle, and Mike knew that Eddie intended on keeping it that way.

***

Eddie and Richie stood at the head of the conference room, both looking unusually happy. Even Richie, who always had a huge smile plastered on his face, was somehow happier. Eddie clapped his hands together loudly in a way that notified everyone that the meeting was about to start. “Alright! As your HR representative, it’s my job to make sure you’re all safe here, and that’s when I found out that there aren’t any recent medical files of anyone in this room except for Mike and Ben, the literal only compotent workers! So, I’m passing around papers, and if anybody has and severe allergies or medical conditions, write them down so I can store them in the filing cabinet! Any questions?”

Bev raised her hand. “Yeah. What the hell did you do to Richie?”

Richie ignored her. “Alright guys, come get a paper and pencil, let’s go!” He leaned in close to Bev. “You know what? Come with me. We are going on a little mission. Operation Surprise.” He wiggled his eyebrows, dragging Bev out of the conference room. 

“Where are we going?”

“Um, headed out. Part of my busy day, you know. Meetings.”

***  
(Richie and Bev are talking to a travel agent who is getting flustered by Beverly leaning over the table suggestively. She’s trying to use her boobs as a distraction so he won’t realize that she’s playing Fortnite under the table, and so he’ll go along with with whatever stupid shit Richie comes up with.)

“So, basically, I want to do something nice for my employees. Vegas, OK? They have this thing where they send a bus, right, for free. Picks everybody up, you head down there, get to the hotel, room is comped, they give you a pile of chips, and your food, everything just kind of all-inclusive, free kind of weekend.” Richie said satisfactorily. 

“I don't know of anything like that, but, um, you know what you might want to do, is just call those casinos directly. Um, maybe?” the agent replied distractedly. 

“If I do all that myself, then what the hell’s your job?”

“I give advice?”

“I could ask my mom for advice, but I’m paying you to help me find a vacation for my employees!”

Beverly frowned, dissatisfied that her ‘distraction’ wasn’t working well enough. She slammed her palms on the desk and stood up, smiling angrily down at the travel agent. “That will be all, kid. Let’s go Richie, we can get them ice cream sandwiches on the way back.”

Richie winked at her. “Thanks dollface!”

“You’re welcome, shithead.”

***  
(Everyone but Richie and Bev, in the conference room, filling out medical forms)

Stanley leaned over to see what Bill was writing on the form, and quickly realized that the one thing listed was definitely something that Bill didn’t have. “Wait. What are you writing? Don't write Ebola or mad cow disease. Right? 'Cause I'm suffering from both.“

“I-I’m inventing n-new diseases.”

“Oh, great.”

“S-s-so, let’s s-say my t-teeth turn to l-liquid a-a-and th-then, th-they drip d-down the back of my t-throat. W-what would y-you call th-that?”

“I thought you said you were inventing diseases?” Stanley raised his eyebrows. “That's spontaneous dental hydroplosion.”

“N-Nice.” Bill responded in a ssrious tone, turning his head down towards the paper to try and mask his enormous smile.

Stanley, unable to hide his satisfaction, also smiled. “Thank you.”

***

“Come on, guys!” Eddie whined. “This is serious! Uh, leprosy? Flesh eating bacteria, hot-dog fingers, government-created killer nanorobot infection?! These aren’t real medical conditions! None of you even put your names!”

Stanley snickered loudly, and Eddie glared right at him. “You did this, didn’t you?!”

“Absolutely not.”

“Yes, you did!”

“No I didn’t.”

Eddie rolled his eyes and groaned loudly. “Fine then! So be it! Looks like you’re all going to have to go to actual medical exams to get the paperwork now, and guess what? You’re paying, because you don’t have health insurance! Suck on that!” He raged before storming out of the room, inhaler in hand. 

As soon as Eddie was long gone, Stanley gave Bill an impressed look. “Killer nanorobots?”

Bill smiled and shrugged sheepishly. “I-I-It’s a-an epidemic.”

***

After awhile of Eddie sulking and nobody doing their jobs, Richie and Beverly finally returned. “Hey, hey, everybody, Ice-cream sandwiches! Aaaahh!” He giggled in his best Cookie Monster impression. “Here you go! Take one, take one! It's all good. Benny, think fast! Ya-bome!” Ben barely missed, staring at the sandwich in remorse as it landed on his chest. “Oh, oh, I see Mike. Miiiiike?” He made an awful pass at Mike, which missed him by an entire desk. “Right? Waaaaah! Oh, hey temp. Why don't you take two? Because you don't get health care. And uh, faster metabolism.” He handed Georgie two ice cream sandwiches, and the boy smiled.

“Thanks, sir!”

“D-DDon’t e-encourage him, Georgie.” Bill mumbled.

Richie ignored Bill, letting Georgie’s thanks immediately go to his head. “AAAAAAnd here you go, Stanley the manly!” He tossed an ice-cream sandwich to Stanley, who caught it without looking up from his computer. 

“Oh. Thanks.”

“This isn’t what you were talking about earlier, is it Richard? Because we’ve been having a pretty awful day!” Mike complained rationally. 

Richie groaned. “Mike, I love you, but these are ice-cream sandwiches. Ignore yourself, shut up, and eat one.” He placed a sandwich into Mike’s mouth. Mike sighed, taking a bite of it still with the wrapper on without thinking twice.

Bev snickered. “Mid-life crisis at twenty? Guys, Mike broke my record.”


End file.
